1316

Against my will, I rip down zipper, shove porno before face, grow
tumescent, and rape myself. Rapist fist-squeezes, tears undercircum-
cision tissue, violences orgasm into toilet, and bangs away like a
striking hawk leaving me on carpet weeping. Crisis response team,
rape squad, description (shot sharded glances in mirror), unpredic-
table, unexpected, brutal, Caucasian, fled into the night of self, vast,
anonymous like a whiptail; rage, not sex; revenge against distant
abusers; howl in heart; injustice gnawing cerebral wires; I've not
confessed—shame—he’s hit before, cracked open hard core and
beat incessantly ripping out my stuffing and fled like a murderer
into my soul, slaked on subjugation and spermatozoa. I can take
victimization by his hunger no more, the horror, the shock, the
degradation amidst a beautiful world, his closet appearance ir-
repressibly, he’s always within dead bold perimeters, his shoe-
toes replicating mine and the gutturals wrenched out his throat
iterate details he could not know; Karen’s tampax, Sheila’s lub-
rication, the exquisite blood orange and yellow pipefish, the
unexpurgated yank through caverns of emptiness, cravings of
Joyce, weird tectonic schisms in the earthplates of stability; my
superinformed assailant confusing me with identification; smash-
ing my dick between fist with jackhammer-aching arm, he hal-
lucinatorily grunted, fucker, you are me, then incomprehen-
sibly vaporized the instant my come threw me off its string; pride
terrorizes—I’ve slaved, I confess, for years, homosexually, pain-
fully, grievingly, plumbing swallowing my esteem; the tidal sucks
off a devastation—home. No more: hazel; six feet; gray wreath-
tonsure; straight teeth; cupcake mole, left shoulder; mustache;
olive; one-ninety; deceptively soft spoken; black bush; left lobe
crease; fiftyish; big fingers. Grab handful of flesh, wrap fist, rip
him through sewer grate to light, to justice, imposter, fake soc-
ialite, slime-liar, hit/run impresario, abominator of stainlessness
and gorgeous stacks, chickadee household blackguard bastard.